Tuesday, June 7, 2011

BREAKING: The Super Mega MARVEL Reboot

Brace yourselves. Several highly-placed, confidential informants in the Marvel offices have contacted me, Captain Elias, regarding the massive, heretofore unknown story that Superpowers That Be is happy to break.

In response to the huge excitement and attention generated by DC's recently announced Universe-wide Relaunch, Marvel executives locked themselves away all weekend and sketched out a similar, yet even more extreme, plan to combat DC's ballsy move. They will be printing 53 brand new #1 comic book titles, with both beloved heroes, classic villains, and those other B-list ones no one really cares for. But we just might now! It seems Axel Alonso, still working closely with Joe Quesada, is threatening creators and editors with major layoffs if they don't have this newly ordered work completed and ready to release by August. All decisions are not yet final, but here's what we know:

-Steve Rogers is Captain America again, except now he fights for his country by protesting in costume for Climate Change reform, and at the end of the day he goes gay club-hopping with his best friend Stefon. The twist? It will be written by David E. Kelley.

-Matt Murdock is no longer blind! But he fakes it to win cases. Instead he is a handsome, cocky, unstoppable defense attorney who gets the criminals out of doing time. As a result, all criminals love him, including Kingpin (who is now anorexic, his feeble frame barely able to support his giant head) and Murdock gets big cutbacks. They call him The Man Without Fear, because he walks around City Hall all day without a care in the world, despite being the most heinous criminal of all. His girlfriend has retired from porn, but only publicly. The first story arc will be called 'No Consequences!'

-The X-Men are back in Westchester, and Xavier is back running his school. Only this time, he can't seem to find any decently trained, enthusiastic teachers. His only applicants are rather stupid, mean, and spend their time demanding higher salaries and fewer work hours. While trying to get his dear, unaccompanied, scantily clad children the best education possible, he comes across the dreaded TEACHER'S UNION. Not even his formidable telepathic powers can convince this stubborn, hive-mind beast to back down.

-Phoenix Farm #1 brings us a happily married, domesticated Wolverine and Jean Grey, who enjoy yard work, primal sex, cooking ethnic food, and occasional bouts of semi-evil violence perpetrated on their suburban neighbors. When schizophrenic fashion disaster Rachel Grey shows up, spouting alternate reality family connection nonsense, they lock her in the basement, and head to Canada to see some old friends.

-The Avengers are back and better than ever! The new team consists of Thor, Captain America, Iron Man, Spider-Man, Wolverine, Spider Woman and Ms. Marvel! The new man-with-the-plan is Brian Michael Bendis! Are you ready for this all-new, all-different, all-dialogue whirlwind of adventure as the greatest heroes in the Marvel Universe come together?? Probably.

So far, that is what we have confirmed. Different rumors are flying about various heroes--such as Spider-Man's origin involving a different radioactive insect, Emma Frost stripped of her x-gene and forced into the DC public school system, and the consequences for the Fantastic Four when Johnny Storm gets mad and farts at the worst possible time. Superpowers that Be will keep you, dear readers, updated as soon as we get ironclad confirmation of these stories. The last thing we want to do is spread misinformation.

So for now, this is Captain Elias, signing off. And remember, Make Mine Marvel.


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  2. Much better than the DC reboot. Liberal Captain America for the win if besides gay you also make him an atheist and vegetarian as well as a member of the communist party of America.