Thursday, June 16, 2011

Captain Elias' Birthday Gift Wish List

I have a lot of friends. I mean, seriously, a LOT. Hordes and hordes of them, really. Manhattan can barely contain the raw amounts of people who love me, and thus Brooklyn was formed to house the excess.

My upcoming birthday is practically a national holiday. My fans are legion as well, and naturally they wish to make an offering to the Captain Elias altar on such an auspicious day commemorating my first breath. So I thought I'd give them all a little help on what to buy me.

1. Superhero Flash Drives

On sale here. Batman's pretty cool, but clearly Robin is the best. It's obviously Tim Drake, so what more could a diehard Tim fan want?

2. An Alteration to the DC Relaunch

It stands to reason that one of my uncountable number of followers has a role of sufficient authority at DC to grant this request. It's not a large wish--one must allow one's underlings to guide themselves from time to time--but in my opinion a necessary one.

Add a Red Robin #1 to the list of new titles. Get Chris Yost back to write it (no offense to the able veteran Mr. Nicieza, who will have plenty on his plate) and have Francis Manapul draw it. Oh hell, screw that. Get John Cassaday to draw it. While we're at it, screw Yost, I want Dan Abnett and Andy Lanning on it. I don't care how you get them to do it, considering how many Marvel titles I want them to stay on, but figure it out.

Additionally, loyal subjects can flood DC offices with vehement letters demanding the same thing.

3. Superhero Ties

A pattern emerges.

I have one awesome Superman tie that I save for special occasions, and an unfortunately cheesy Batman one that doesn't see the light of day. I WANT MORE. Find them here.

And if you want my particular gratitude, find a superhero bow tie. I love bow ties. Bow ties are cool. I have several, though I could use some more colorful ones. But despite vigorous googling, I can't find any superhero ones. Batman, Robin, X-Men, whichever. Find me one.

By the way, animated cartoon versions are unacceptable. As are film representations. Comic Book models only.

4. iPhone

'Cause why the hell not. I keep getting lost in NYC (how am I supposed to know East from West when I get out of the subway?) so I'd like that app that tells you where you are/where to turn/how many paces to walk before reaching your destination.

Include a superhero skin. Duh. There are dozens of acceptable Batman ones, particularly ones with Robin, and even a Nightwing-on-a-motorcycle one. To make the decision easier on you, get them all. I'll just have to accept the sacrifice of alternating my sweetass cases.

5. A Gaming System on which to play X-Men Destiny, and other Superhero Games such as Batman: Arkham Asylum, etc.

I haven't played video games since those days back in middle school, and I mostly watched my brother play even then. But now I want to enjoy what seem to be dynamite graphics and stories written by some of my favorite comic writers.

XBox, Playstation, whatever. Games should be included.

I'm always on the lookout for new ways to entirely waste my time.

6. Lovely Marvel Hardcovers

Recent releases include Avengers West Coast Family Ties and X-Men Alpha Flight. Others are acceptable as well, as long as they are characters I like (you should know my favorites by now) and are relatively new (or else I probably own them.)

Go ahead and give me some commission by clicking on Amazon links at the bottom of several blog posts.

7. Barnes & Noble Gift Certificate

$500 should cover it. That'll last me at least two store visits. And if they have a Superhero design giftcard option, you better pick it.

8. -World Peace-  A Brownstone

Which would bring me a personal, inner peace, which is much more tangible. Not that I dislike my cozy one bedroom (or rather, mid-sized studio with a half-wall down the middle) but I could use an extra room for all the comic boxes. They just keep piling up.

Might as well make it a house while you're at it. A large one. Waterfront property preferred. But I'll settle for something on the park. Basically, you should get Paul Bettany and Jennifer Connelly's old Prospect Park mansion. God knows why they moved to a loft in Manhattan. But I hear they have a private dock. I'd like one of those too.

Finally, make sure to buy all next door properties. I'll either give them to my friends, or leave them empty. I don't like neighbors. And don't tell me "You probably shouldn't live in New York City, then, Captain Elias." Thought's already crossed my mind.

That's it for now. Refresh this page every 23 1/2 minutes, because I'll surely think of more things for you to spend your hard earned money on and give to me. Why exactly are you still reading this? Go shop.

Have a Happy Birthday for me! And don't let stupid Father's Day steal my glory.

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