Thursday, October 27, 2011

Pietro Maximoff Reviews This Week's Comics

Good afternoon. My name is Pietro Maximoff, AKA Quicksilver. I am a mutant with the power to accomplish absolutely anything in the time it takes you to spell my name. Due to an incident in my past and a debt that will not be spoken of, I have been asked by Captain Elias to guest-write a blog post in which I review this week's newly released comic books.

Do not confuse my presence here with a friendship or affection for the aforementioned Captain; the only thing I find more loathsome than associating with a mere human, let alone one without any known superpowers, is being in his debt. The fact that he has me wasting valuable time reading such pedestrian and juvenile "works of art" (I am obligated to refer to them thus) simply adds insult to an already shameful situation, but it just so happens I have no choice in the matter. Hank Pym can pretend to run Avengers Academy without me for a few minutes.

Let's get this over with.

(It appears these stories are supposed to document events that occur in the real world, my world, and I look forward to providing elucidation on the personages contained within. As infantile as the pursuit may be, it appears there are flatscans who actually make a living off of this perverted journalism and fan-fiction, but as you'll see later it is somehow less perverse than the fabrications of the Distinguished Competition.)

Wolverine & The X-Men #1:  As a former member of the X-Men, and sometime antagonist, I initially believed I could speak to their lives with some semblance of expertise and insight. However I must admit that the very fact of Wolverine re-opening the Xavier school, albeit under a different name (a rare commonality I have with the primitive Logan is my respect for the still-missed Jean Grey, a woman of fantastic beauty and unexpected strength) is an idea that completely threw me. Logan is a savage, and as such one would not think him a suitable choice to teach young mutants, the future leaders of the world. Of course, I currently work in an academic environment myself, one ostensibly led by a man known for hitting his wife and creating the universe's most dangerous and homicidal artificial intelligence, so perhaps I will just move on.

Fortunately for everyone involved the, granted, brilliant and morally traditional (yawn) Kitty Pryde aids Logan in his running of the school, and my fellow Avenger Dr. Hank McCoy appears to be responsible for the construction and maintenance of the new technologically-advanced school, though his efforts in that direction seem less than successful. In this introductory issue I often found myself torn; the New York State Department of Education investigators are similarly disdainful of the idea of Wolverine running a school, yet these petty bureaucrats expectedly display their righteous indignation and blatant racism at every opportunity. The students of the school seem puerile and self-involved, like students everywhere, while the faculty appears unprepared for the task at hand. While I applaud the initiative of tutoring homo superior youngsters, I found the artist's work, which I'm told is renowned, to be nauseating, and by far my favorite part of the episode was the final page in which it appeared a rock-creature of some sort was about to devour the stupid humans. Were I to spend money on such drivel, I would certainly buy next month's issue.

Annihilators: Earthfall #2 of 4:  As is often "reported" in these comic books, it is a common occurrence for heroes to meet each other under deceptive circumstances and thus spend a certain amount of belligerence upon each other before realizing their common purpose. I am here to tell you that this is entirely true, though the constant documentation of it does nothing for our reputations.

The clash of certain Avengers with a team of "Space Heroes" possessing gargantuan power is entirely plausible, though I abhor the nobility and competence bestowed upon one Ronan The Accuser, an alien thug of low IQ, no morals, and no single aesthetically pleasing quality in his constantly-armored form. Honestly, I can not fathom what any woman of taste and intelligence would see in him. But that's neither here nor there.

I found the exchanges between Spider-Man and Quasar, a giant boyscout who was once an Avenger himself, to be fairly amusing, and the back-up feature surprised me by showing what the vile, hideous Mojo is currently up to. Hopefully the absurd giant tree and talking-racoon-with-guns will finally put an end to that monstrosity's existence next month. The subtextual criticisms of the catholic church are appreciated, though even the mere possibility that the Magus has returned puts the chill of fear even in my courageous bones.

FF #11:  Best not write too much about this one as I have...some personal biases that may come up. That said, Crystal looks lovely as ever, though if this "Jonathan Hickman" believes for even a second that she would be party to the imprisonment and and assimilation of her friend and ally Reed Richards (albeit alternate universe versions) into the now apparently reborn Supreme Intelligence of the Kree, he is as big a fool as that subservient, unhygienic, irredeemable Ronan. I would also like to know who exactly is caring for my daughter Luna while her mother plays the obedient wife and restores an ancient, violent race to power. Correspondingly, I am fascinated by Reed Richards' (the real one's) relationship with his obviously intelligent daughter. The man can stand tall and stare down Galactus, but he can never seem to exercise a shred of discipline upon his own daughter, let alone get a clear answer. I honestly do not understand what is happening in this story, nor if anything consequential is to be expected in the next chapter, but I have zero interest in the reproduction of my ex-wife's disturbing love life. Moving on.

Avengers Academy #20:  Here is one title I can speak to most familiarly, as Mr. Christos Gage takes the liberty of writing about my own life. Most of the issue, for some unfathomable reason, focuses on the student Veil and her quitting the team. Gage accurately re-writes my rational advice to the young girl, as the salary she was offered by that young brigand was impossible to pass up. He later has me bearing the brunt of the West Coast Avengers compound reconstruction, as well as attempting to control my bile duct as Hank Pym and Tigra physically declared their unnatural love for one another, and both representations of yours truly are entirely accurate. The truth is, I am most at peace being useful, as I think at speeds beyond anything anyone can conceive and thus am insanely bored with life for the majority of the time. Why Gage does not focus on me for the entirety of the issue is inexplicable, though this is the first one I have read so doubtless the others are more Quicksilver-centric. He should consider renaming the book.

A priority Avengers alert is coming through so I will hasten to finish this onerous task.

Daredevil #5: I have little experience with the hero, but I enjoy his exploits in this comic very much, as well as the art, and am tempted to find out what happens next.

Secret Avengers #18:  Not so secret apparently. Steve Rogers is a bore, as is his paramour, whom I hope was jokingly referred to as "the best secret agent in the world." Shang Chi is a man even I would rather not fight who is blatantly manipulated by Captain America into not believing he is being manipulated. All in all it was boring and frightfully jumpy.

Amazing Spider-Man #672:  This was some kind of large conclusion, though I have not been in New York City for months and thus am not aware of this "Spider Island" event. Nonetheless, the webbed plebeian proved his worth yet again. I must remember to look up this Mary Jane Watson woman. For a human, she is not repulsive in the least, particularly if her powers last.

Astonishing X-Men #43:  Emma Frost is a magnificent woman, if horribly rude, and the idea of her and an embodied Danger Room breaking into Steve Roger's ultra-secret Avengers Quincarrier tickles me. This was a surprisingly good story with an appropriate, well-contained ending, though Danger's attempts to grasp human emotion mirrors my own struggle to grasp why I should care about "her" journey.

(An entirely fictional, alternate universe, apparently full of nothing but rip-offs from reality.)

Aquaman: It seems this blond, mild-mannered version of Namor, rather than accepting his role as King, is making an attempt to live on dry land with his gorgeous and clearly superior lover. Ludicrous. However the tone of this comic was pleasingly dark and chilling, and the art is stunning. I also enjoy imagining Namor attempting to ski.

The Flash: Thisridiculousexcuseforaheroisinsultingandbadlypulledoff.Ahumanwhocanmoveatthespeedoflightbuthasneverlearnedhowtothinkwiththesamespeed?Ithinkfasterthanneutrinostravelyouabsolutereprobate.Ihearhegothis"powers"fromacombinationofchemicalsandlightning.Howinspiringforchildrenwhodreamofstumblinginamethlabduringathunderstormoneday.Whileyourartmaybebeautiful,Mr.Manapul,expecttobehearingfrommylawyers.

And that is quite enough of that, thank you. I must be off. Crises call, headquarters need to be built, battles fought, and less degrading ways of spending my precious time must be found. Fortunately this exercise only took about 3.4 seconds. Do not call me again Captain Elias. Our...other debts shall be repaid in a less public setting.

Good day to you all.

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