Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Gore Confirms World is Flat

in the manner of Iowahawk

Former Vice-President, Chairman of the Alliance for Climate Prevention, Nobel Peace Prize Recipient, Oscar winner, Inventor of the Internet, suggested Medal of Honor nominee, potential Olympic Gold Medalist, World-Renowned Pianist if he had practiced more in high school, and upcoming Reality TV star Al Gore met today with the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, chaired by the familiar sounding but unknown John Kerry (D-Mass.)

In his opening statement, Gadfly Gore seized the opportunity to jump on President Obama's stimulus bus, re-repeating the necessity for quick and decisive action.

"In order to rebuild America from the ground up, fill her coffers with solid gold, and ensure her vote as Prom Queen at the International Homecoming Dance, I urge you to flood your elected representatives and let them know that you completely agree with me.

"Never before has a bill such as this been proposed at such a historic moment by such a unique looking President. The plan is unprecedented and will be miraculously effective in several different areas; energy efficiency, renewable energy, national energy grids, fossil fuel energy, the energy to get through Atkins, robotic ocular transplants, energizer batteries, energico from the Latin, and the realistically ambitious new plan to build a solid recycled-plastic lever large enough to lift the world and move it to a part of the Solar System that does not infringe on the basic gravitational rights of our neighboring planets, as recent scientific consensus has proven.

"We can not delay. We must act in haste because by the time my next movie comes out, it will almost be too late."

In response to his opening salvo, chairman John whatever-his-name-is woke up and asked if he was finished. But the resilient Gore plowed through three more hours of fiction factual material, very occasionally utilizing gesticulation and tonal inflection to underline his most important points.

Committee member and fierce proponent of work visas for illegal immigrants, Manuel Labor had this to say:

"I hitched a long, long train ride to get here, and it turns out it's fucking freezing."

Gore's closing remarks touched upon the significance of Holocaust Memorial Day, discreetly comparing survivor stories to alien abduction tales, and finished with an urgent plea to support the stimulus plan and sign a petition that would validate his existence.

"Gracias, and remember to vote Rosa in 2012."

1 comment:

  1. There is nothing more ridiculous than Algore. Maybe Bubba with Monica and a cigar... you just can't make it up! Oh, wait... that's the same ticket! Sorry to bring it up.
    Who is going to be a Giordano Bruno to this Flat Earth Society? President V. Klaus? He's more like Copernicus hiding deep in the East to avoid the Inquisition. It's time for the mano-a-mano duel: Klaus contra Gore! All stations, live, no commentaries. Dream on, sweet prince.
    Captain! I found a proof of G-d's existence. Every time Algore has a major speech there is a record breaking freeze. Uncanny! The Intelligent Designer exists! Alleluia! It's good enough for me.