Tuesday, January 27, 2009

No Homos in Hogwarts

Daniel Radcliffe, the star of the Harry Potter films, after inviting Sasha and Malia Obama to the set, claimed that Harry Potter "has restored the reputation of the English boarding school. It has made it something other than a hotbed of homosexuality."

I could probably find and stretch several examples from the books to prove him wrong, but I don't want to perpetuate the idea of fact-less blogging.

So I will point him to an actual fact: J.K. Rowling announced, a bit cowardly after the release of the final installment, that Albus Dumbledore was definitely a homosexual, and that she had known this throughout her writing. "Gender Studies" professors all across the world felt suddenly useful.

Gay rights group Stonewall reacted: "It shows that there's no limit to what gay and lesbian people can do, even being a wizard headmaster."

I was not aware of the previously held belief that sexuality imposed limits upon employment opportunities, magical or otherwise. I thought incompetence did that.

But some statistics show that the wholesome, slightly-different-than-real-life fantasy of Hogwarts did increase boarding school attendance in Britain, and I'll admit that even in a Westchester public high school I longed for a magic castle to skip classes in. Which, combined with a hotbed of homosexuality, would pretty much be the perfect adolescence (hire the X-Men as faculty and its settled.)

In the secular world of Harry Potter, magic is science; teachable, but only to an elite who are born with the talent. Were the elite in our world given such power, free speech would be sealed in an ancient ornate jar, let out in drops at the gay headmaster's discretion. I expect Radcliffe's comments to affect his sizable gay fanbase, but I'm unclear as to whether they'll be insulted or turned on, though the two can probably be consolidated, as gay rights groups were both glad to hear of Dumbledore's status and disappointed it never appeared in the books.

Alas, the post-mortem outing of an old sexless eunuch is merely an example of the redundant and self-serving gay rights movement, infusing society and government with the idea that we are all inherently sexist, racist homophobes who need the objective eyes of minorities and politicians to navigate the treacherous waters of human interaction.

These days I'm having trouble seeing the distinction between magical spells and executive orders, though the public enchantment is painfully obvious.


  1. This is truly one of your finest essays, Cap'n!

  2. "J.K. Rowling announced, a bit cowardly after the release of the final installment"

    This only came out because while filming Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince the screenwriter put something in like, "Dumbledore remembers back to his youth to the young girl he loved.." something like that. Anyway, JR wrote in the margin after reading it, "Dumbledore is gay and has always been gay."

    Of course, as soon as others saw this they were going to alert the media. Rowling trying to nip it gave a press release. Don't know why this trivial matter is taking up brain cells, but there it is.